“You know, this scarf will work great for tying you up…” I said nonchalantly while putting my coat and scarf on.
Her eyes lit up and we left the bar.
It’s funny how things have changed in the last few years. In the past, I had this persistent belief that the only way to pull beautiful women from bars is to be that loud, popular, life-of-the-party guy.
Nice, silent guys finish last, right? Right?!
Turns out, not necessarily.
In the past, when I would sit silently and smile, women thought I was being awkward and weird.
Now they say I’m being mysterious and intriguing.
In the past, when I said some stupid joke with sexual innuendos, they would look at me like I just killed a bunny.
Now they laugh hysterically and say how much they love my cocky and politically incorrect humor.
In the past, when a woman noticed I’m checking her out, she would get noticeably uncomfortable.
Now she gets noticeably horny.
And if I ever tried to pull a line like the one above, one that I use quite often these days, she would… Blah, who are we kidding, in the past I had no balls to say something like this with a straight face and a commanding voice!
Yet, now they tell me how charismatic and confident I am.
Would you like to guess what changed?
How To Change Your Life
Was it shitloads of practice? You know, hitting the bars 4 – 5 times a week, talking to as many women as possible to “hone my skills”
Nope, rarely, if ever, I hit the bars more than once a week and I find talking to people draining in itself (I’m very much an introvert). Don’t get me wrong, I like people and I’m always in a happy, joyful mood when I’m out, I just don’t like talking that much.
Was it some super-secret inner game technique that made me instantly confident?
Nope, I tried a bunch of those, but none actually worked – there are no “magic bullets”. They tend to feel good in the moment, but rather useless once you leave your bedroom.
It’s actually much simpler than that – confidence is built on previous successes. “Fake it till you make it” is fun and all, but you need to start getting real positive feedback from your audience (women) to build actual confidence.
It’s shaky at first, an emotional rollercoaster, one night you notice every woman is checking you out and you’re feeling hot, another night you can’t seem to hook anyone and you feel like everything sucks, and “I should just buy some junk food, go home and watch a movie.”
But in the long run you start to forget those shaky nights and your successes get stronger and stronger.
And one moment it all clicks – “I’m an attractive man, no matter what!”
You then stop consciously thinking about looking cool, attractive, etc. because you know you already have this part covered and start enjoying yourself.
It doesn’t mean that you stop improving (our own “Become A 9+” project is a perfect example of that), just means that you’re no longer wondering “am I good enough?”
You have collected enough positive feedback capital to know that no one is out of your league because of her looks (she’s hot, you’re hot – no problem here), you know that you don’t need to do anything “special” and it’s just a matter of chemistry and logistics.
Does it mean you get every girl? Not at all. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
But that doesn’t matter anymore, because you know that as long as you show up enough times, you will have a satisfying romantic life.
There are many ways to get those early successes but I’ll focus on what worked for me:
- Change how you look and you will change how people react to you.
- Change how people react to you and you will start getting different feedback.
- Start getting positive feedback and you will start growing your confidence.
Yes, it’s really that simple.
It’s by no definition easy, especially if you’re doing it alone, you will doubt yourself and occasional negative feedback (learning process, after all is about making a bunch of mistakes and learning from them) will hurt like being punched in the crotch. There will always be temptation to revert to your old self because it’s a familiar, it feels safe and it’s easy.
Nor is it fast, especially if have years of negative feedback to reverse, if that’s the case – make sure you’re not alone on this path, this way not only you’ll cut the learning process in years but also start raking those early wins quicker.
Is Your Strategy Working For You?
“There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the real labor of thinking. “ ― Joshua Reynolds
It’s New Year’s Eve next week and just like every year, so many of us will set lofty goals:
“This year, I will improve my style and get sexy!”
“This year, I will lose weight and get ripped!”
“This year, I will hit the gym hard and add muscle for that Greek God physique!”
“This year, I will improve my morning routine to fix my skin issues!”
“This year, I will get sexy pictures for my online profile and improve my sex life!”
Yet, if I were to make a calculated guess, I’d say about 7 or 8 out of 10 guys will be setting that same goal next year (I know because there are goals that I failed to achieve year after year in my life too.)
Got to wonder – why?
First, we forget to create a system.
Personal motivation is temporary and fragile – you get pumped up for a while, do something once or twice, but then it withers and you start procrastinating, avoiding hard work and in a few weeks or months you forget that you even had a goal. That is, until next year when you repeat the same process.
If you want to give yourself a fighting chance to follow through and actually achieve the goal you just set, you need to make yourself accountable, you need to put something important on the line so that it would be actually more painful to fail than to commit.
This is why services like https://www.stickk.com/ report amazing success rates for their users. People who actually put their money on the line, will be more committed than those who just think about doing something and even those, who take the time to write down their goals.
For the same reason people, who paid 1000+ USD for a seminar or a training are more likely to apply what they learned (and get results) than those who spent an hour listening to some free webinar.
As an example,
When I first started SSfJ, I offered free style consultations to get some practice, get the word out, test different consultation formats, etc.
About 10 guys applied for it, but only 6 went as far as to answer the questionnaire and send their photos. Out of those 6, only one actually applied all he learned and, in turn, reported “I was getting a bunch of AIs the minute I entered the venue.” (For those with a life, “AIs” – approach invitations 🙂 )
Others liked the consultations and found it helpful, but as far as know, didn’t implement what they learned.
On the other hand, since I introduced paid consultations, I’m yet to have a client who didn’t follow through and, in turn, didn’t notice improvement when dealing with women.
In my case, for our “Become a 9+” project, my accountability is public – if I don’t follow through and fail, I will be disappointing people, who I consider very dear to me – my closest readers. For me, losing money would be less painful than respect of these guys, so I’m putting it all on the line.
Secondly, even when we set a system, we fail to ask the important question – will it lead to desired results?
There’s a saying, “the best diet is one you can stick to” and I concur, with one caveat – as long as it leads to your desirable results. If you want to lose weight but the diet you can stick to contains 500+ calories more than your burn on daily basis, it won’t matter that “you can stick to it.”
In the same manner, I sometimes meet people, who have been learning about dating and seduction for years, approached many, many women but still fail to get consistent results.
For them, doing more of the same is easier than asking the hard questions – they rather do another 100 approaches hoping that things will be different now, than accept that their strategy might be flawed and it’s time to do something else, like focus on bettering themselves, making themselves more attractive.
It’s more difficult because “something else” is unfamiliar, it might contain hard work and very likely will lead to change. We are, after all, hardwired to avoid change.
So, tell me, based on your history with this particular area of life – do you have a system ready that will keep you accountable when going gets tough and is likely to lead to your desired results?
If not, what can you do about it?
Make 2015 Your Sexiest Year
I know I sound a bit like a hard ass in this article and not everyone responds well to this style of tough love.
But I do this, because I really do want you to start getting better results. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, so I know the pain. To quote from our indiegogo campaign:
“I was that guy that gets just looked past. Quite literally actually, ever had your crush smile at you and when you smile back you realize she’s smiling to some hot guy right behind you, followed by a not-so-subtle “I’m not looking at you” comment? That sunken, all devouring feeling haunted me for a long time.
I also am that guy that gets random phone numbers at the bar, unsolicited messages on dating sites and occasional booty calls from women I barely know. And there are those amazing women that choose to share this journey with me for more than a night.”
Heck, this year I even slept with the woman who first inspired me to change, improve my style and myself as a whole. One that just several years ago I considered waaaay out of my league.
And the point is, you can have similar results too! It might take time (how much time will depend on the road you will choose), but time will pass anyway, the only difference is in what situation you will find yourself when it does.
But the problem is,
It doesn’t matter what I (or other experts) say, what tools, services, free content we provide if you don’t commit and start applying what you learn.
Let’s get real now
One smart businessman said that first quarter of every year should be your most productive one. Everyone is back from vacation, eager and motivated to work.
I’d say this also applies to improving our appearance. While others are getting cozy under a warm blanket with some hot chocolate, we will be doing the hard work, the ugly work to improve ourselves, to change and when spring and summer hits, we’ll be ready reap the rewards.
So here’s your homework for the next few days:
- Decide what area you want to improve, set the goal.
- Set the system to keep yourself accountable.
- Ask yourself – is whatever I’m doing likely lead to desired results? (Based on evidence or previous experiences, not wishful thinking)
Be brutally honest with yourself.
To get you started, these two articles have you covered on pretty much everything appearance related:
From my part,
I am opening early reservations for Personal Style Consultations for 2015. If style and fashion is the area you want to improve the most and you’re committed enough, this is your ticket to get the fastest results.
Enough with the motivational stuff 🙂
I am aware that our last few articles here were less than practical and actionable, but this is something that needed to be said.
Still, to compensate for it, we’ll start 2015 with a comprehensive guide to men’s accessories and learn how to choose and coordinate colors in an outfit. Sounds good?
Now, you still have a week to go crazy, so make sure to enjoy yourself and have fun. We’ll pick this up in 2015.
I really want to wish you all happy New Years and I’ll do my part to help make 2015 sexiest ever for you. I am very fortunate to have you all as readers.